Sylvester Stallone- This is Your Life! (In Action Figures)

By Andrew Blumetti

Mr. Michael Sylvester Gardenzio Stallone, you have been an American film institution for the last four decades.  We’ve cheered you on and threw popcorn at the screen as you heroically battled Apollo Creed, hung from snowy cliffs, warned us of your shooting mom, and shot up the blasted Vietcong till they resembled slices of Swiss cheese.

And Sly, we still love you, even though the years may not have been very kind.  Your slur has become more slurry, your tattooed muscles more awkward,  and your face may look like a melted plastic mess, but guldarnit, so do these toys…

Rocky’s happy they were able to get the short bus to the top of those Philadelphia steps…

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… and Rock’ll knock you out in flamboyant shorts!

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This is a toy…                                          

… and this is an actual human (presumably)

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If you want the rest of the computers to mock yours, insert this uncomfortable-looking thing into the USB port: 

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This is Stallone from Cobra, or the guy from 30 Seconds to Mars…

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Judge Dredd!  The worst movie you’ve never seen…

  

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He doesn’t know how to use the three shells, but with that messed-up hip going on there, he’s got bigger problems in the commode…

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This is a dummy used in Demolition Man.  This is also the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.  …and I saw Demolition Man.

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Sly’s character “Weaver”, from the animated film A Bug’s Life  Antz.  It’s either Satan, The Noid, or a commie cricket.  Either way, your pizza’s getting crapped on.

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Dean DeLeo from Stone Temple Pilots!  That’s what you were thinking too, right?

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This gem says “Ages 5 & Up”.  Which is odd, cause 5-year-olds don’t seem like the target demographic for Rambo.  Guess it’s something for them to play with when they get sick of their Hannibal Lecter Easy Bake Oven and “I Spit On Your Grave Revenge Barbie”.  

Side note:  Someone should put that drawing on the box in a museum.

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Rambo’s simultaneous somber face and jazz hands sure are a head scratcher…

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Stallone from The Expendables 2.  The lesson here is that the more accurate the toy looks, the less enjoyable it is. 

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Over the Top Stallone says, “Go Amrrrrrica!”  (If you didn’t laugh at that, go back and reread it with a slur.  If you still didn’t laugh, mission accomplished.)

And no, they never made an Oscar figure.  Believe me, I checked…