T.G.I.F. COURT

By Andrew Blumetti

It’s been said that even God rested one day.

Well, back in the early 1990’s, network channel ABC pretty much worked only one day, and that was Friday.

Sandwiched right between NBC’s “Must See TV” Thursdays, and Nickelodeon’s Saturday night party known as “SNICK”, was ABC’s Friday night family-oriented sitcom-o-rama known as “TGIF”.

Standing for “Thank Goodness it’s Funny”, it is a virtual hall of fame for any feel-good, canned-laughter 90’s show that ended on an incredibly schmultzy ending.  Fun to watch, and great for a laugh or three, TGIF was a must for any tween sportin’ new Reebok Pumps and neon slap bracelets.

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Catch-22 (kach-twen-te-too)  n: a problematic situation for which the only solution is denied by a circumstance inherent in the problem or by a rule.

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Shows based around families work on many levels.  They appeal to a spectrum of ages, they’re safe to watch so parents love ‘em, they usually include some heartfelt life lesson, and without fail, feature lots of adorable kids along for the ride.

Though that’s where the problem occurs.

The beauty and charm of animated classics, The Simpsons and South Park. is that the adorable characters don’t age, causing their golden years to last that much longer.

Unfortunately that stroke of fortune eludes the TGIF bunch.  Shows that lean so heavily on kids are chock full o’ cuteness, but cuteness also fades as once cherub-faced kiddies hit that butt-ugly brick wall of puberty, subsequently turning into gawky, awkward teenagers, killing the show’s original chemistry. Somehow, hearing Urkel’s trademark squeaky voice go sour and seeing Stephanie Tanner hanging out with the troublemakers in the girls’ room didn’t really go over so seamlessly as network execs hoped.

Now, not to say all the TGIF kids are to blame, but when they grew up, well the house got fuller and family seemed to matter a little less on Friday night television.

Well, when you want justice, you go to People’s Court or Judge Judy… but they were busy.  So it’s time to bring these sitcom juvies to justice…  it’s time for:
TGIF COURT:

DEFENDANT #1:  Cory Matthews (played by Ben Savage)

SHOW:  Boy Meets World

CHARGES:  Being a Savage brother who wasn’t Fred, numerous counts of acting like a teenage version of an crotchety old Jewish man stereotype, teen melodrama up the wazoo, continued fudging of the origins of relationship with main squeeze, Topanga

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  Life sentence of Brillo hair

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DEFENDANT #2:  Steven Q. Urkel (played by Jaleel White)

SHOW:  Family Matters

CHARGES:  Jumping every shark possible:  (going into space, turning into a MAD FREAKIN’ SCIENTIST, pretending to be Elvis Presley, giving the world the yuck… “Urkel Dance“, continued obsession with uppity Laura Winslow, and two unforgivable words:  Stefan Urquelle)

VERDICT:  GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY!!!

PUNISHMENT:  Having to look like Stefan Urquelle for the rest of his life.

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DEFENDANT #3:  Brendan Lambert (played by Josh Byrne)

SHOW:  Step By Step

CHARGES:  Forgettable doughy schlub

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  Being unceremoniously written off show.  Plus, he turned into this:

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DEFENDANT #4:  Stephanie Tanner (played by Jodie Sweetin)

SHOW: Full House

CHARGES:  Major case of sass mouth- How rude!

VERDICT:  GUILTY AS ALL HECK

PUNISHMENT:  Forever to be known as “The Full House girl with the meth addiction”.

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DEFENDANT #5:  Nicole Lee  (played by Raven Symone)

SHOW:  Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper

CHARGES:  Being on Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  Charges dropped, career still intact

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DEFENDANT # 6:  Baby Sinclair (voiced by Kevin Clash)

SHOW: Dinosaurs

CHARGES:  Assault with a frying pan… or something, I forget the show.

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  Jurassic Park taking over America’s dino love causing everyone to remember this show as a prehistoric ALF.  Clash spent years with his hand up Elmo’s fuzzy red butt, and that doesn’t even crack the top ten in reasons why he’s now an unemployed creep.

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DEFENDANT #7:  Judy Winslow (played by  Jamiee Foxworth)

SHOW:  Family Matters

CHARGE:  Disappearing from series while her family acted like she never existed (the writers corrected guessed no one would notice).  Her one token line per show wasn’t helping things either.

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  Ouch.  We have a nice heap of lemons not being made into lemonade for Jamiee.  Take your pick- years of substance abuse or becoming an adult film star known as “Crave”.

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DEFENDANT #8:  Kimmy Gibbler (Played by Andrea Barber)

SHOW:  Full House

CHARGES:  Boney, annoying neighbor. plus annoying actress happens to have the same initials as me.

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  While researching, this headline was found:  “ANDREA BARBER HOSTS DRAG QUEEN BINGO”.  That is punishment enough.

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DEFENDANT # 9:  Al Lamber (played by Christine Lakin)

SHOW: Step By Step

CHARGES:  TV didn’t need more tomboys

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  Community service working on movies with train-wrecks, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton.

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DEFENDANT #10:  Eddie Winslow (played by Darius McCary)

SHOW:  Family Matters

CHARGES:  Notice the clothes in that picture?  That’s a mild example of Ed’s mustard-y early 90’s wardrobe.  Homeboy perpetually dressed like the Minnesota Vikings in a blender.

VERDICT:  GUILTY

PUNISHMENT:  The way he died in Saw VI pretty much covers it.